I haven't been in a very good place recently. Which is a shame, really, because I'm in a great place in my life. I'm in my dream school studying interesting topics for my dream job, in an absolutely beautiful place. Yet I can't seem to enjoy it. Instead, I have at least one anxiety attack a day for absolutely no reason/with no noticeable trigger. Up till now, I would just wait the attack out and once it was over, continue on with my day. But now I think I've reached my limit. Now, when the attacks hit, I'm just so sick of constantly feeling like shit that instead of moving on with my day, instead it just spirals into a near constant state of anxiety and tears, and being so constantly tense is making me really exhausted both mentally and physically. I'm fairly certain it's also making me feel ill, which then feeds back into it because feeling ill triggers anxiety after the disaster that was my health at the beginning of this year.
And even though I'm so tired, I'm afraid to sleep because I keep startling awake panicked. So then I don't sleep until late when I'm tired enough to just pass out, but then I have to wake up early for class, so I'm losing a lot of sleep. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, because I'm afraid of being caught out/away from a safe space when the anxiety hits particularly hard, which then makes me even more upset because I'm missing out on so much. I'm just...not happy. Things that should put giant smiles on my face aren't nearly as enjoyable as they should be. And I don't know why. Because I should be happy. There's no reason for me to NOT be happy. But I'm not. And I HATE IT. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY?????
I have an appointment scheduled with a counselor at the university next week. Hopefully they'll be able to help, because I don't know how much longer I can handle this. And I really, really miss being happy.