Log in

No account? Create an account

I've had several dates with one person - Shocking, I know!

First, re the depression from my last post: While I'm still a bit of an anxious wreck, I figured out that the more severe bouts of depression seemed to be linked to my repro cycle/birth control. Changed pills to a lower dose of oestrogen, and so far at least I haven't had that crippling depression. Fingers crossed it stays that way...

Anyhoo, now I want to kind of get of my chest some worries of a more romantic kind (gasp! I know! Me? Dating someone? It must be the end of the world). So I met someone thanks to the wonders of online dating (my friends are quite irritated that it only took me a week or so online to meet someone worth more than a single date while they've been trying for months, haha). He's quite forward/bold but still really nice and generally really, really understanding of my I-have-no-idea-wtf-I'm-doing nerves. Which is quite perfect for me in the sense that he's not afraid to put things on the table, things I'd probably never suggest and/or think of myself, but then if I say/decide no, he backs off.

He's also very tactile, which I've learned that I really like. (I now totally see what everyone means about the cuddling thing. It also helps that he's essentially a space heater, which is really nice in this chilly weather.) But he's also tactile in a more sexual way than I am. Now on the scale between asexual and sexual, I definitely find myself closer to the "asexual" side - Most days, I really couldn't care less about sex. The only reason I'm not more firmly on the asexual side is that I do have some days where I'm very much on the other side. But mostly I'm very apathetic about it all. I've decided I love cuddling, and I find him being very tactile to be extremely soothing/relaxing if not sexual. But when it comes to actual sex, I'm more...meh.

Now he isn't pushy about it. If he was (or if he ever does become pushy), then I'd have no problem telling him to fuck off. But he ISN'T, and instead he has so far been ridiculously nice about it, so then I've started to feel really bad/insecure. I've straight up told him about where I sit on the sex scale, but I have yet to hear a response (he's probably asleep - we make an interesting combination, a morning person and a night owl). I guess I'll just have to get to know him better to determine if he's really bothered by it. Meanwhile, I need to keep my resolve to be honest both with him and myself about things, and to admit if I'm not interested in something as opposed to pretending I am if only because I think I should be...

So we've talked a bit more about how I'm not so interested in the physical side of a relationship (at least in terms of sex; I do quite like cuddling and such - but instead of turning me on, it just kind of makes me melt into a puddle of relaxed content), and he says he's okay with it, but I'm curious to see how long that lasts. Or how long me being okay with it lasts. Because again, he's really nice and I do quite like him, but I'm so far from interested in sex it's kind of ridiculous (and not just "oh it takes a lot to get me in the mood" kind, but more in the "there is absolutely nothing you can do, and if you/I/anyone tries, it's actually pretty unpleasant" kind of way), while he's well on the other end of the scale. I mean, I don't have a problem with other people having a high sex drive, but I get pretty irritated when it's frequently mentioned in conversation. It makes me feel like I'm in high school again. (I'm trying to just let him be himself, but I have a feeling I'm going to crack about that particular issue soon and call him out on it; We'll see how that goes...)

And I don't think he really understands - We were talking about one of the questions on the dating site that was "would you be interested in having a relationship without any sex" or something like that, and his thought was "well wouldn't that just be friends?". But it really isn't - just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they're not interested in that connection that is different from being just friends. And I totally get that, because that's how I feel most days - not interested in sex at all, but love general closeness/cuddles that I wouldn't do with just anyone, even my close friends. I guess I'll just see if he's able to start to understand that or not. Because if he can't, well, I don't see this turning into a particularly happy relationship for either of us.