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More musings of a personal kind


So, I'm pretty confident in my confirmation of being asexual (or at least greyA) panromantic. That's actually a really nice revelation to have, to have a way to kind of explain it, to both myself and others.

Anyhoo, the meat of this post is (once again) related to the guy I've been seeing. He's still really nice, and I'm fairly confident that he does really like me. But I think that kind of leads me to tonight's panic attack (or, well, at least a contributor on top of exams that I should probably be studying for right now, but fuck it, I'm so over this module...) - I'm concerned that he likes me more than I like him. And I'm concerned that I'm letting this go on more because I feel like I should, like I'm doing it just because I like the idea of it, that it's kind of nice having someone to message and see regularly outside of class, and I like cuddles that come with it (he IS a spectacular cuddler...) rather than because I actually like him that much. I mean, I definitely like him, but I'm not sure if it's the kind of like that I think will last into anything longer term. And I'm worried about dragging it out just because I feel like I should just keep trying, which would make me feel really bad about stringing him on like that if a couple weeks down the line I just decide "nah, nevermind".

But then on the other hand, what if I really DO like him that much, and the doubt is just good ol' insecurity rearing its head once again? And me calling it off would just be me running away from this insecurity/anxiety/panic, and so I end up really regretting it?

Because I quite honestly can't tell, and I HATE that.

And speaking of stringing him on, I should probably tell him I'm not nearly as into kissing as he is. Actually, I'm not much into kissing at all. I mean, it's not bad, but it doesn't do anything for me, so more than the occasional kiss or two just kind of gets tedious to me. (While he really, really likes it, and I'd rather just snuggle.) But I feel so awkward/insecure about that feeling for some reason. Way more than I am about sex, actually. I mean, I had no problem telling him I'm asexual and that the chances of me ever wanting to enter a proper sexual relationship is quite minimal, and he says he's okay with that, although I'm not quite sure he actually properly understands what it means. We'll just have to wait and see what happens, I guess.

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